


tabula rasa

by Hydra_Trash_Gal



Series: Winter’s Keepers [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Dependency and helplessness, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Healing, M/M, Mental Illness, Mentions of Rape, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Multi, Other, Rape Recovery, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, healing with doggos, mentions of abuse, winter!bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 01:23:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17653358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hydra_Trash_Gal/pseuds/Hydra_Trash_Gal
Summary: with Steve gone Winter is left to fend for himself in a new place full of potential enemies. just as Winter finds himself getting comfortable his security is shattered by the arrival of a person of their past.or,the one where Winter is sad and confused and the one thing that offers him reprieve from those feelings is taken away.





	tabula rasa

**Author's Note:**

> hi! sorry for the long wait. this takes place directly after ‘who do you think you are’ 
> 
> please heed the warnings and let me know if the tags should be updated to include anything I may have missed. This is my favorite version of winter to write so you can expect plenty more in this series in the future :)

The Soldier was skilled at interrogations, even the kinds that masquerades as something else.

Pliant tones, gentle touches, urging to share information that was classified far beyond their clearance level. It had endured strenuous exercises and prevailed in deadly situations endlessly. The Soldier has sustained damage that should have killed it. Frozen and thawed and wiped cleaned, the Soldier never made a mistake. It was a lethal, dependable Weapon. 

Winter was none of those things. He could not separate his feelings and his thoughts and that was a malfunction. His thoughts were lonely without the clipped analysis from the Soldier. Without a guiding hand, an inner Handler that could function on it's own and helped Winter. There wasn't a voice reminding him that programming did not allow fleeing but Winter remembered. 

He wanted to go, to run away — not to the Commander because he was still angry enough that he sent him back with Steve. Steve, who was so angry he refused to look at him. So the red haired woman that the Soldier knew as Natalia took him to a car. It was not armored, it was like the vans he remembered vaguely from missions after he was given his deactivation phrases and all weapons were taken. 

Punishment would have been a relief — waiting for the raised hand to strike was always worse than the blow itself. In his seat, he curled up arms wrapped around his knees. Hawkeye was watching him in the rear view mirror from the passenger seat. Winter pressed his forehead against his kneecaps hard enough to hurt. Pain helped him learn and he had to learn so he wouldn't mess up again. 

Steve wouldn't forgive Bucky and Bucky wouldn't come back. Bucky had all the memories that Winter needed but in the Chair he went away. Maybe it was because Winter didn't remember to listen or perhaps the Soldier could keep him quiet. "Do I say something?" Hawkeye whispered to Natalia.

"If you want to but I don't know if it'll help." Natalia didn't bother to whisper. Winter shouldn't have been listening — the Soldier never listened unless it had orders to. 

Bucky would have spoke. Somewhere in the dream-like hazy of someone's else memories he knew that Bucky would laugh and he would joke. He would put his hands on Hawkeye, push him a little and no one hit him in retaliation. No one called him Soldat and told him to fall into line or he'll regret it. Steve was always there too, a beacon of light and hope — the one thing that had drawn Bucky out of the dark. 

The Dark Place was where Bucky went after the Chair. Every time he fought through they pushed him deeper, drowning him. Winter sometimes felt him clawing for control. The Soldier always thought for Winter when the Commander couldn't. The Soldier knew. Winter didn't know anything beyond obedience. He was good and that was important too. 

Winter never wanted to hurt anyone unless he was told to and those times he had to. Because he followed orders. A good soldier. "So, uh, if you're not Bucky what do we call you?"

Winter felt cold inside. "Whatever you want," he said because that's what the Soldier would have said and it never made mistakes. "I can be Bucky if you want."

"Before you said your name is Winter." Natalia was clever and she listened to him which didn't make much sense. It never occurred to him that anything he said had any semblance of importance to it. "Can we call you that?"

"Yes." The answer was always yes. Even when Winter needed to say no, it was yes. If had been able to keep quiet under the bed then the Commander wouldn't have discovered him. "Steve is angry."

"No." Hawkeye said immediately, tone firm. "He is not mad at you for what happened. No one is. He's just worried about Bucky."

To be loved as much as Bucky was all Winter could ever hope for. One day someone would be worried when he was asleep. Maybe it would be Steve but probably not; he couldn't love both of them and clearly he preferred Bucky. 

"Okay."

Back at the Tower he wasn't taken to Steve's floor, he was brought to the lab. He dunked his head and the Soldier reminded him that there were three people behind him, four doors with electronic keypads and Tony Stark who did robotics.

Maintenance? Winter thought.

Correction. The Soldier's expressionless tone made it all the more chilling.

The Soldier was never wrong and Winter's stomach plummeted. No matter how good he had been for Steve, the fact he wasn't Bucky was bad enough to override it and hiding had made it worse. It was a well deserved correction and Winter knew that. It didn't made him feel any better.

There was no chair, just sticky circles put on his head carefully by Doctor Banner while the others hovered close. No guns or batons in sight — but they didn't need them because Winter was going to be good. 

If he was good it wouldn't hurt so much, the Commander always promised him when he had to go in for maintenance or to be punished or when they approached the Chair. So long as Winter complied they wouldn't make it anymore painful. Winter closed his eyes and practiced his breathing, slow and even so the monitors wouldn't beep and decipher his fear as agitation or aggression and cause the others to try and subdue him with the batons. He made sure his palms face outward so they would know he wasn't threatening anyone. 

"All set," Doctor Banner pulled away the sticky tabs no later than ten minutes after they were placed. It didn't even hurt to have pulled off his skin. 

Winter's eyes fluttered open and his breath froze in his chest. Something else then. A Chair maybe or something with Stark's suit. Or maybe the Doctor would take him apart like all the ones in the lab wanted to do. 

"Can I ask you some questions...Winter, was it?" Doctor Banner asked with a smile that was kind — but, the Soldier reminded him, probably deceitful and meant to build a report. 

The Soldier felt it was more qualified for this situation but Winter did not agree. They were nice and Steve's friends and the Soldier hurt people. 

Winter was afraid to confirm his name with Doctor Banner however. Steve was upset because he wasn't Bucky. He had to be Bucky; that's what they wanted. "'M Bucky." The Soldier was good at lying but it wasn't a skill that Winter had adapted. Winter needed to be good and lying was not good. "James Barnes."

Doctor Banner looked past him, toward Natalia who did not show her anger at Winter's dishonesty outwardly. Instead she walked around to level him a look. "I know you're not James." 

The Soldier was always on edge around her and that rigid feeling tickled at Winter's senses. Winter wasn't supposed to be on the defense, he was supposed to be pliant and nonthreatening. It wasn't his role but the Soldier kept pushing, kept insisting that this woman was dangerous. 

The Soldier was never wrong.

It wanted control and Winter considered relinquishing it. Maybe, after, Bucky would be back. Natalia smiled and that was worse. "It's absolutely fine you're not Bucky. We don't need Bucky right now."

"You need the Soldier." Winter figured it made sense. 

If they didn't want their friend, they needed the only other person that had a use. Winter didn't have a use that was appreciated or rewarded by these people. 

"No," Natalia opened up more space between them and gestured to a stool. It was not the Chair, there was no back, no pieces to come together and bind them all back as one. "In fact we'd like to get to know you a little if that's okay?"

"You know Bucky. I'm like Bucky." They liked Bucky, they could like Winter too. They wouldn't even know the difference if he behaved properly. "Where's Steve?"

Bucky always worried about Steve. 

Or at least he did on the bridge when that that quiet whisper of constant discontent with their missions and Winter following orders suddenly rose to a scream and split them apart at the seams. Winter had tried to finish the mission but it was so hard with two voices yelling at him to do something different. Kill Steve and Save Steve all melted into a throbbing realization that he wasn't whole. He was broken and now everyone knew and Steve was angry. 

"You're not Bucky." Natalia pointed out his failings promptly. "What did we do last week? May thirteenth — it was a Wednesday."

Time hiccuped up around Winter between waking and sleeping. It was disorienting to hear that it wasn't February anymore. Winter had slept for a very long time. "I didn't mean to be here." Winter closed his eyes. He needed to sleep and then Bucky would be back and — maybe it would be February again.

"It's okay that you're here, we don't bite." Hawkeye smirked at him; did he know about the men who did bite? Winter bowed his head. "Aww, Winter, no — that was probably not a good analogy?"

"Why couldn't I stay with the Commander?" Winter was certain if Steve hadn't come back and gotten them so angry he could have stayed. He was a valuable Asset after all, even with Hydra fallen the Commander would have found a use — just not the same way Steve had. "He didn't do anything."

"He hurt you — both of you — a lot," Natalia frowned but the Soldier did not trust her attempts at emotion. It knew that she would attempt these things to disarm Winter. 

This hurt Winter's feelings a bit because he wasn't stupid and he knew just as well as the Soldier did. The Soldier disagreed and Winter wanted it to shut up. He was clever, just like the Soldier. And he had all if Bucky's memories so that gave him and additional level of cleverness.

"It's safer here." Natalia lied with a cold plastic smile.

"Safer," Winter blinked, "With the Black Widow a Soviet spy and Hawkeye, an assassin and Tony Stark who created an AI who almost took over the world and Doctor Banner who was a fugitive before he was recruited."

"Well that was hurtful," Tony said after a long pause. "And Ultron kind of created himself you see. I laid the groundwork but — "

"What about Steve?" Natalia interrupted him and looked curiously at Winter. "What's his flaw?"

Bucky would have said nothing.

The Soldier could think of a million issues with Steve Rogers first and foremost being that he was the one who destroyed Hydra.

Winter could only think of the hands. "Bucky."

"Steve's flaw is you? I mean, James."

Winter inclined his head. "If it wasn't for Bucky he would...he would be happier and safer." And if it wasn't for Steve, Bucky probably would have been too. He wouldn't have been targeted by Hydra. "He wants Bucky back."

"What do you want?" Doctor Banner asked quietly from where he was assessing a screen off to the side. "If you don't mind me asking."

Winter wanted to be good. That was all he ever wanted and something he could never obtain because he just wasn't. Rotten to the core. A bad seed. Winter didn't want to say it. The team already knew or they would realize soon. "I want Bucky to come back." He finally decided because not answering wasn't an option. 

"Where do you go when Barnes is here?" Tony asked, now looking at the screen. He was frowning and that wasn't good. "What the last thing you remember?"

"Sleep." Winter glanced toward Natalia. The Soldier reminded him that letting her out of sight too long gave her the upper hand. Visuals were everything. "I'm sleeping and it's like...a dream."

When he thought hard and tried to sort through the thick fog that separated his current memories from Bucky's they came in bits and pieces. Not like a film the way Bucky's old memories did but like feelings and tastes and echoing voices. Warm water running in rivets over his skin, Steve's teeth digging into his flesh while his hands touched him where... He wasn't supposed to! 

"Uh huh." Tony looked him up and down. "So you and Bucky share that body?"

"And the Soldier," Winter frowned. 

"Right. Banner how do we fix this? Cap's gotta be having a complete meltdown right now. I'm having Jarvis sort through surveillance from Rumlow and Rollins' place but that's months of memory to dredge through. It'll take him a minute or a two."

"You're surveilling their apartment?" Banner seemed alarmed. "Is that legal?"

"Technically Shield bugged the place, I just slipped into their systems. The legality of it depends on who you ask." Tony Stark smiled and shrugged. "Hint: it's only breaking the law if you get convicted."

"Caught," corrected Hawkeye. "The phrase is 'if you get caught'."

"Barton that makes no sense. Innocent until proven guilty. To be proven guilty is to be convicted. Only breaking the law if you get convinced."

"Okay," Natalia cut in, "Focus"

The Soldier was not surprised about the surveillance but Winter knew that Rollins would be upset. "You're not supposed to watch people, even if you know them." Winter advised Tony of the rules, trying to be firm but kind just as Jack had been. "It's creepy — Agent Rollins says so."

"Agent Rollins is also on probation." Tony Stark replied. "Break the law, you lose your rights to privacy."

Winter wasn't supposed to talk back. It was too confusing, his heart hurt and he just wanted to be good. To be left alone, put aside like he always was. "Is Steve coming back?"

His voice cracked and the Soldier was so loud. Soldiers didn't cry so Winter shouldn't either. It wasn't fair to betray their body like this but there was too much pressure, too many eyes...

"It's okay," The doctor came toward him — Doctor Bruce Banner, he had to remember — with his palms facing out toward him in a calming gesture. It was only dangerous when Tony Stark did it because only Tony has repulsors, the Soldier reminded him. "I can see you're scared. Steve will be back."

"Soon?" Winter's voice sounded so small. The Soldier hated it and reminded him to look at Natalia. Her dark gaze seemed to scorch him so he looked away against the Soldier's advice. "I was good though. I was good and I know I wasn't supposed to run and I won't do it again."

Doctor Banner nodded his head. "I trust you and I know you're telling the truth. I also know you're not Bucky and that's okay too." Winter drew in a ragged breath. He was a doctor he could put them back together. "Can I ask you some questions about yourself? Not about Bucky but about you?"

Classified! The Soldier was so angry. 

Winter could feel it pushing in, the arm tightening and whirling. Winter was scared to stay but even more afraid to go to sleep because what if he woke up during someone loving him again? He wanted to retch at the thought. As long as he was in control that wouldn't happen. 

"Questions." Winter repeated.

"Yeah, easy ones. Just to help me understand." Doctor Banner looked around the room. "Would be more comfortable if they weren't here?"

"Sorry Banner but if things go sideways and the Big Guy comes out — " Tony began immediately straightening from a slouch against the glass wall. "Better we stay and make sure Weird-Barnes stays calm."

"Tony, don't make it worse." Natalia snapped and Winter thought more a moment it was nice she was cared.

She doesn't really care! the Soldier snarled. It echoed above his own thoughts, a shouting match the Soldier was winning. It was his biggest competitor really. It got Winter in trouble more often than not because it wanted to fight when Winter knew it was best to comply. "I want Steve back. Bucky won't come back until Steve's here."

"See that sounds like a threat to me," Tony took a step toward Winter and the Soldier told him to use the EMP in their arm to kill him. Winter's hand shook, it was so loud, he almost did. "Holding Barnes hostage inside his own head? What do you want Cap for anyway?"

"Back off." Clint moved forward. "He's scared, can't you see that? He only know Steve."

"How is that possible when we've spent the last six months with him?" Tony demanded. "If you know Steve then you should know us. We wouldn't hurt Bucky."

They wouldn't hurt Bucky but Bucky was away and Winter was here. Tony Stark was capable of hurting Winter. Everyone was capable of hurting Winter actually; that was why he was here after all: to comply even though it hurt. 

Winter wanted to run again even though he knew it had caused all the trouble before. He needed help from Steve, help from Bucky or the Soldier or someone because Winter...he was good. 

"Tony, I want to talk to Winter. I don't need everyone else in here to do that. If you're so worried about it, maybe Clint can stay if he doesn't mind. Do you remember Clint, Winter?"

Doctor Banner's soft voice helped to dull the roar of the Soldier's orders in his head. Winter managed a small nod but he worried a bit that Bucky's voice hadn't been there urging him to find Steve and make sure he was safe. Maybe he had gone deep into the Dark Place. 

Clint cast a look toward Natalia and smiled. 

"I'll be fine, Nat. Go on."

"Just shout if you need us. Play nice boys." 

Her voice was friendly and the Soldier made Winter hyper aware of her eyes as she made a slow departure. When they were alone the lab was quiet.

"So," Clint cleared his throat, "How's that for your welcome party huh?"

"Where is," Winter struggled a moment. He could see it: a pink tongue, a yellow coat of fur. Something cold and sweet in his mouth that wasn't oatmeal. "It?"

Words. The Soldier never forgot words and Bucky only fumbled with names of new people. Winter was always present in the Chair, he got the worst of it so sometimes words escaped him. 

"It?" Doctor Banner asked. He had a notebook and pointed to the table they were leaning against. "Is it okay if we all sit?"

"Any time I'm not standing is good time for me," Clint agreed.

The Soldier reminded him it was an interrogation but it didn't feel like one to Winter as he slowly lowered himself into the seat. No restraints jumped up around him, no head pieces came up to wipe him. He breathed out and felt safe for a moment. 

"I'm sorry that all of this is happening." Doctor Banner did sound apologetic and Winter didn't mind him so much. 

Sometimes the Secretary would apologize after he ordered Winter to sit in the Chair. "I'm sorry we have to do this to you," and he sounded sorry which was nice. 

One Commander apologized when he hurt Winter which was strange but it was a kind gesture that Winter appreciated even with blood tacky between his thighs.

Bucky was always so loud in the Chair, trying to fight his way out of the Dark Place before they shoved him in further. Winter would promise Bucky next time he would be good. 

The Secretary told him if he was good, he wouldn't have to go to the Chair. The technicians said if he was good it wouldn't have to hurt. The agents who hurt him in the safehouses said if he was good, they would report back to Secretary. 

Winter was never good enough. He always had to go to the Chair, it always hurt to when he was with the techs and no matter how compliant he was, the agents never seemed to tell the Secretary how well he did at the safe house. 

It was difficult to be good when the voices in his head told him to do bad things. To hurt them, to say no, to punish everyone who hurt him. Winter didn't want to do those things. He wanted to be good. 

"I'll answer your questions," he promised because Steve had told him Hydra was gone and that meant it was just them now. That meant these were his superiors. "I promise."

"Thank you," Doctor Banner smiled and it was real and warm unlike Natalia's. "They're really easy ones. I promise."

They were easy questions. They asked about Winter and what he remembered before he went to sleep. They did not ask about how good he was for Steve and he was thankful for that. They asked if he had been okay at the Commander's house and eagerly assured them that they were kind and good and he wanted to visit again soon if that allowed. Doctor Banner promised he would 'look into it' and Winter didn't know if that meant yes or no. 

They did not ask questions like when he was detained at the Shield facility. No torture, no pain. The Soldier was quiet because this didn't feel like an interrogation after all and Natalia was gone so there was no tension, no reason to be on edge. Doctor Banner swept a look toward Clint who had been toying with his cellphone. 

"I think we're set," he said. His eyes were warm and his voice was gentle. He didn't sound angry even though though Winter knew, deep down, Doctor Banner had the ability to be very angry and cause him severe harm. 

Winter was always careful not to upset anyone but Doctor Bruce Banner was especially important to please. "Awesome, we've been sitting here forever!" Clint stood and stretched until a joint popped. "Imma take Lucky for a walk. Do you want to come?"

"Me?" Winter didn't expect to be allowed to leave after his mistake. Why retrieve him if it wasn't to lock him back up? "Did Steve say it's okay?"

Bucky didn't go places without Steve so Winter probably wasn't meant to either. Of course Bucky did not like to go anywhere without him and Steve always seemed equally eager to be in his presence. Clint was requesting Winter's presence which felt familiar in a strange way. Maybe they could be friends...maybe they had been friends before Winter went to sleep and Winter didn’t recall it yet. 

Winter was certain he remembered Sam Wilson telling Bucky that making friends was 'pivotal to a civilian transition' and Bucky had replied 'well pal, we're not exactly civilians are we? 'sides I got you and Stevie'

Winter thought having friends would be nice. Clint was kind to Winter before Bucky came back, he began to believe. It had been a long rest but they could pick back up. "Oh he won't care. We'll go over to the park."

Winter remembered that. Bucky went to parks with Steve before the war and — recently, maybe. Bucky's memories existed as dreams while he slept. A feeling of excitement and contentment and melancholy because it was different and that made Bucky sad. Because so much had changed and he didn't remember. 

Remembering was Winter's important job, no matter how lousy the Chair made him at it and that was why he was still there when he had no other use. He reminded the Soldier on missions that while the whole family was acceptable collateral, it would be preferable not to kill the wife and children. Because they were innocents and the Soldier did not always understand that. Winter understood. 

"Does Lucky remember me?" Winter asked nervously as they got into the elevator. The pink tongue, the yellow fur — that Lucky. 

"I think so," Clint gave him a crooked smile. "If not, you'll get to each other."

It was late and Bucky and Steve would have been in bed probably doing...what Winter wasn't going to think about because it made his chest ache. 

He almost asked if Steve was back but stopped himself. Winter would rather see Lucky and go to the park than try and earn Steve's forgiveness. 

Clint's floor wasn't like Steve's. There were more things and he didn't fuss as much when there were dishes left by the sink or the pillows fell on the floor off the couch. Clint's couches didn't even have pillows. 

Lucky was sleeping on his own little bed on the floor but perked up when the doors slid open. 

Carefully, slowly, Winter approached him. Clint didn't tell him to stop so he believed he was allowed to pet Lucky. Winter had been permitted before, he thought. Lucky snuffled at his flesh hand and then metal hand and his tail thumped against the floor. He remembered him: he was the it with the pink tongue and yellow fur. 

Lucky only had one eye Winter realized suddenly as he saw the furry spot where the eye should have been. 

Someone else had only one eye but that wasn't important, not to Winter, but it spark familiarity with someone — probably the Soldier because Bucky was still silent. Winter had one arm so, maybe, they were the same. 

"Lucky's collar is different." Winter didn't want to think about how many times it'd changed while he rested. 

"Oh yeah, I have a million of them." Clint knelt beside him and pat Lucky who delighted in all the sudden attention. "I change it every week but this is all Natasha — obviously."

Winter looked a bit closer. The band was a pleasant shade of a blue but the little dots were not dots but rather black and red spiders. The Soldier was not at all pleased Natalia had been near Lucky or Clint.

"Oh." 

Lucky pressed his snout into Winter's side and his flesh hand moved automatically, stroking him behind floppy yellow ears. "Ready? We can grab a slice on our way back."

Clint liked pizza. Winter was certain everyone knew that. 

"Lucky the pizza dog," Winter said as it echoed around his head. It wasn't something he was told. Maybe Bucky had been introduced. Not the Soldier — it wasn't fond of attack dogs and Lucky had been an attack dog. 

"That's him. I'll grab the leash." 

Lucky sat in front of him and Winter smiled. He hadn't forgotten about the dog, not really, but he hadn't thought about him much. He was glad to see him. "I missed you," he said quietly so Clint wouldn't hear. "Did you miss me?"

Lucky didn't talk, obviously, but he picked up his tennis ball and offered it to Winter. That seemed like confirmation enough for Winter. It made his whole entire day a lot better as he patted him again. 

Lucky was soft and warm and that was good. Lucky was good. Winter felt good around him.

•• •• •• •• 

The leash was not covered in spiders so when Clint asked if Winter wanted to take over walking Lucky while he ate a slice of cheese pizza, he jumped on the chance.

Winter remembered that he had to be careful, that he was strong and he couldn't ever tug on the leash. Lucky didn't strain on the leash like the attack dogs the Soldier had held onto did. 

"I can't believe you didn't want any pizza," Clint commented later as they were throwing a tennis ball. He'd eaten the pizza and discarded the plate in a trash bin. 

The weather was warm but not stifling. Winter still has Agent's Rollins' sweatshirt to keep his arm hidden but was dark enough not to worry about gloves even under the street lamps. There weren't many people in the park at this hour, it was quiet. Winter did not remember eating foods himself but he knew Bucky had. Clint had given Winter a treat once when they were out with Lucky. Sweet and cold and it had made him sick but it was pleasant at first.

Winter liked the oatmeal and it didn't make him sick. Steve added sugar to it. Maybe maple syrup once he adjusted, Steve had promised. But that was a long time ago, he remembered crestfallen. Bucky had probably eaten it and probably hadn't even cared because he didn't know how much better it was than the shakes or the tube. 

The tennis ball rolled to a stop at the toe of his sneaker. Winter threw it. "Steve gives me oatmeal." 

"Oatmeal is good too," Clint agreed. He was sitting on the bench, playing on his cellphone between talking to Winter and watching Lucky fetch the ball. "But if you decide you want to try other foods, you should definitely start with pizza."

Winter nodded his head. He threw the ball a few more times and then asked, "Is Steve back?"

"Uh, nah. Looks like he's hanging out at Sam's tonight — you remember Sam, right?"

Sam Wilson codename: Falcon, the Soldier prompted. He nodded his head because he thought he did. A slim black man with a soft voice, Steve's friend, Bucky's friend. Once, he had wings. Like a bird. Falcon — it made sense. Hawkeye should have gotten wings too. 

"He's coming back tomorrow?" 

Steve had been upset. Very upset and it made Winter's stomach knot. It wasn't right and it needed to be fixed but Winter didn't know how. He wanted Bucky. He couldn't do those things with Winter — he could but he wouldn't, Winter reminded himself. 

"I think so," Clint didn't seem very concerned about it but why would he? He hadn't made Steve cry because he wasn't Bucky. "If you wanna talk about what happened with you guys today, I'm a pretty good listener."

"No." Winter did not want to talk about it. The Commander said he was allowed to say no and he didn't say it only had to be about 'those' types of things. 

Clint did not seem angry but he didn't seem relieved either. Indifference was good, Winter decided. Clint maybe didn't even care. Winter didn't have to care either but... Winter needed to care because Bucky would care and that wasn't fair. 

"I don't want Steve to hate Bucky."

"I don't think it's possible for Steve to ever hate Bucky." Clint said immediately. "So you don't gotta worry about that."

Winter rolled the tennis ball between his fingers. Lucky's eye was bright and trained on the green ball, waiting for Winter to throw it but he was distracted. Clint wasn't even mad that he said no and then talked about it anyway. 

"Does Steve hate me?" 

The pit of Winter's stomach felt heavy. He could feel each stiff bristle of the ball against his fingertips and he didn't like it. He threw the ball, a little harder than he meant too but Clint didn't get mad and neither did Lucky as he ran further away. Winter was scared — what if Lucky went too far and forgot them? Clint would lose his dog and Winter would lose any chance of having a friend. Winter listened carefully for the sound of Lucky's tags and panting breath and the sound of his paws hitting the pavement. 

"I couldn't imagine why he would." 

The weight didn't lift. Winter had no reason to think Clint would lie to him, beyond his own amusement — even the Commander sometimes embellished things to tease him when he got on his bad side — but Winter wasn't so sure Clint would do that. 

"Okay," Winter exhaled as Lucky came back. He knelt down and pet him. He was thoughtful for a moment. "Because I'm not Bucky. That's a good reason."

"I don't think it's a good reason." 

Winter's insides twisted back into a knot. He pet Lucky with a newfound determination and it helped, a bit but not a whole lot and Lucky's eye kept flickering to the ball. Winter stood up and threw it, but not so far this time.

"Okay." 

Winter liked playing fetch with Lucky, it was a job he could do. Like taking apart and cleaning a gun but better. Lucky began to lag bringing the ball back and when he sat at Winter's feet with the ball still his mouth Winter knew Lucky was tired. 

"Why don't you walk him back?" Clint offered even though he wasn't eating a slice of pizza. 

That made him feel a lot better. Clint trusted him and he could walk Lucky. 

He had just clasped the leash to the collar when his entire body seized up and he pivoted sharply to glare at the darkness between the trees a few yards from them. But it wasn't Winter moving — Winter was just desperately making sure the Soldier didn't pull on Lucky's leash. Clint would never let him walk Lucky again if he did. 

Lucky and Clint could both die, the Soldier reminded Winter, so this was more important.

Winter disagreed and the Soldier didn't listen but it also did not pull on Lucky's collar.

"Winter?" Clint seemed confused at what the Soldier was looking at.

"My fault," Natalia strode out of the darkness, utterly unapologetic for sneaking up on them. "You guys were gone for a while, thought I'd drop in."

Winter wanted to draw Lucky away from her — she was dangerous! — but Lucky wagged his tail excitedly. Clint also didn't seem at all bothered by her appearance. He almost looked glad to see her. 

But of course he would be. Men were supposed to be happy to see Natalia the same way men were meant to die around her. 

"Я знаю кто ты." Winter told her. He tried to sound forceful about it. They were dangerous too. 

Clint didn't understand Russian by the funny look he gave him. Natalia smiled, lipstick too red. Red... That was important too. The Soldier wanted to reach out and crush her throat. Her eyes were empty because yes, yes Natalia was...like the Soldier but...not. Natalia was empty. But not like the Soldier. She was...different. The Soldier was frustrated and Winter was confused and Bucky... Bucky was still silent. 

"Это потому что ты сделал меня таким, какой я есть." Natalia said coldly. That smile was cold enough to hurt, deadly at the cold to exposed skin.

The Soldier does not compute and Winter doesn't think that's right. No, they couldn't know of Natalia because...

Remembering was bad and Winter needed to be good. The Soldier would not back down so close to Natalia however and Winter could feel himself slipping away. It was a cold feeling, radiating from the Weapon pushing Winter away. His fear felt hollow and hot anger that Winter wasn't meant to feel pulsed through him. The Soldier would kill Natalia, kill the attack dog — no Lucky! — and Winter couldn't let that happen. 

Please, he begged the Soldier. Please don't.

The Soldier listened to Winter sometimes on missions and this felt like a mission suddenly.

Natalia was not a Target!

Winter closed his eyes and he begged. The Soldier was angry, but the Soldier seemed to agree that Clint was a good ally and killing his attack dog and Natalia would upset him.

Lucky licked his hand. He didn't feel so cold anymore.

Winter was able to look away from Natalia who's stance was easy but her eyes sharp. She had expected the Soldier to try and hurt her. She knew things that Winter knew she shouldn't but...but remembering was bad so he couldn't try and figure out why. Winter did not want the Soldier to try and come back either.

"Steve will be back tomorrow." Steve was the Soldier's Handler and Bucky's best pal and...he knew Winter existed which wasn't so great but, oh well. The Soldier couldn't make his own missions. The Soldier needed to stop being so angry because it wasn't allowed to be, not unless Steve said it was. "It's okay."

Natalia swept a look toward Clint, smile all teeth and almost predatory. She had a strange giddiness that even the archer seemed to know was false.

"Can I walk Lucky back? I've been just dying for some time with him."

Winter shouldn't have felt so disappointed because Lucky wasn't his dog and he'd gotten a chance to walk him earlier. "Actually I think Winter was going to."

Clint's brow furrowed a bit because he probably regretted allowing Winter to do it in the beginning. Lead was piled into the pit of Winter's stomach. He felt heavy.

"Oh, well Winter doesn't care if I walk him."

Yes, Winter minded because he wanted to walk Lucky. He was good and careful and Clint had asked him, not Natalia. It wasn't fair...but Lucky also wasn't his.

The Soldier reminded Winter how fragile the human vertebrae were. Winter just held onto the leash carefully.

The Commander said he could say no. Winter had said 'no' to Clint and nothing bad had happened.

"Please." Natalia said with a plastic grin. It was an order phrased like a request and even though Winter didn't want to, even though he knew that Lucky was in danger and so was Clint, he gave Natalia the leash. "See? Didn't care."

Natalia bounced impatiently on the balls of her feet as she glanced at Clint. Winter felt the heaviness double. Natalia walked quickly the entire way. Lucky didn't seem to mind and kept with her brisk pace. It seemed like she was simply keeping Lucky from Winter and that was probably right.

Whenever the Commanders saw he enjoyed something they took it away too, danced it in front of him to mock him. Clint talked to him and Winter tried to remember to respond.

He didn't want to get into the elevator with Natalia but he did. He stood as far away from her as possible and felt bad he couldn't pet Lucky. Clint waved when he got off at Steve's floor and Winter let his hair fall in front of his eyes as he cast a final look toward Natalia. With the walled in space and strands of his hair obstructing his vision, it was almost like she was in jail.

That made the weight ease up a bit. Hopefully Clint and Lucky would be alive tomorrow.

If not then the Soldier could kill her and Steve could decommission them all and he. would probably cry again but at least Winter wouldn't have to remember anymore.

The bedroom was different. Empty. The covers, the sheets, and the pillows were all gone. Bucky slept in Steve's bed now, stowed his clothes in the drawers. Nothing was left in here.

Winter laid on the floor, back to the wall to keep a watch on the door. He left the light on and not because he was afraid of the dark but of the hands that could reach toward him. And Natalia. And, maybe the dark because so many things could hide in it.

It was different than Winter remembered. When he slept in the room last he could hear Steve through the wall. His breathing was deep and even and then unsteady and rapid as he slept.

Night-terrors about going into the ice and seeing Bucky fall, and 'the whole goddamn war Buck' — that was what Steve told Bucky once. Winter could hear their voices echoing around the Dark Place sometimes. They kept him company during those times when he was not exactly asleep but not awake either.

"Would you like for me to direct you to where the linens are kept?"

The voice from the elevator was in the room. Winter's breath quickened as he looked around stupidly. It was disembodied, a creation of Tony Stark's. The Soldier was hyper alert because it was being watched by something that was not quite human but not quite robot either. Winter covered his ears and thought maybe he preferred being alone.

The A.I. spoke to him a few more times before it stopped. Winter pressed his cheek against the floor and tried not to think of all the times it had been rubbed raw against the grainy texture of unfinished flooring in the safe houses. He also tried not to think of the noise that slipped from his mouth each time: a puff of air, a quiet grunt of discomfort because complete silence upset that Commander just as much as being too noisy did.

Winter sat up quickly, the memories made him feel sick. No one could sneak over the top him this way. Steve couldn't stretch out and call him Bucky and hurt him and hurt him and — 

Winter gripped his hair. Remembering was bad.

It was okay. Steve hadn't meant it, hadn't known, and it wasn't his fault.

The sweatshirt still smelled of Agent Rollins. Like cigarettes, detergent, gun oil and the Commander. Winter felt safe surrounded by that smell.

Doctor Banner had said he would see about him visiting them again but Winter had to give the clothes back so he knew he'd see them at least once more — preferably more. When Winter did see them, he wouldn't make mistakes or hide under the bed or cry.

He could be good and helpful. He could go on patrol and slit the throats of enemies and scale buildings... Well, the Soldier could and Winter probably could too just not as well. Winter would behave; that was important.

It was okay.

Steve wouldn't be back until tomorrow so he was safe to close his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Please let me know what you thought :)
> 
> 1 - First Russian phrase: I know what you are 
> 
> 2 - Second Russian phrase: That’s because you made me what I am


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